i see now how people can be attracted to the idea of religious cults

just tell me if i should be worried about your drinking habit

today we sat at a coffee bar

they had many different kinds of beans

we sat at the corner table

we communicated through writing only

in the notebook you bought at safeway

we were there for an hour

maybe

you said you felt wired

you said you felt drunk

from the coffee, i guess

the beans were ground right in front of our faces

we walked around for three hours

trying to find pizza

i said 'damn' and 'jeez'

because of the heat, and because of the walk, and because last time i saw you

you were wearing the same shirt

we found tacos

i got coke in a bottle

it was refreshing and i wanted four more

we got more coffee

then you went to work

Patty Duke played Hellen Keller

in the movie Hellen Keller

"the greatest actress" said my sister

her eyes were closed

she put her hand to her chest

"The Greatest Actress Ever"

i'm refreshing my facebook page

you are at work

i'm listening to the misfits

you're not thinking about me

feelings of imminent failure  and underachievement ensue

today i bought "best american short stories 1999"

i already have the 1992 edition

i like this series

1999 is all marked up, underlined, circled, bracketed

seems 'ghostly'

i also bought some pink converse, a book called "a guide to confident living", and i stole a glasses case that doesn't even fit my glasses. this feels like some sort of backwards retribution to me. some notable chapters in "a guide to confident living" are

III. How to Get Rid of Your Inferiority Complex

VII. Forget Failures and Go Ahead

X. How to Avoid Getting Upset

XIII. Change Your Thoughts and You Change Everything

when i showed my brother my new shoes he said, "pink converse?" and i said, "yes is that bad"

he said, "pink converse?"

i said, "why are you saying it like that, is this bad"

he said, "well, you know...pink converse."

in new york i drank coffee in a cafe that was a grocery store at first but you had to walk up the stairs above the market that sold produce and basic general items to get to the cafe that served coffee, also salads and sandwiches. upon drinking the coffee i said "mm, tastes good"

my dad said it tasted like cleaning supplies

i thought it was just "new york coffee"

they made us a new pot

i brought home scented candles for my father and almost set his home on fire; he is not mad

notable exchange:

"i bought some fish oil supplements today, and i am going to eat them all at once"

"i'm distracted"

april

  

i want to write a research paper and maybe compile a power point on my little sister. she is the most fascinating person i have ever come across and i enjoy her company more than anyone else's. she says things like "what in the world" and "eggsellent" and recently started referring to everyone as 'dudes'. she gets this from my brother and i, i think. "you're just a bunch of teenagers," she always says. we watched 'i am legend together' and now thinks the phrase "I WAS SAVING THAT BACON" is applicable to all situations, because at one point will smith says that. it's funny. it's hilarious. we took a trip to the east coast and there was this chat feature on the plane. you could invite anybody from any seat to chat with you via the television screens on the back of the seats. she told me about her fat friend who is mean and never does her homework. i suggested she might have problems at home that contribute to her obesity and lack of attentiveness in school. she said "maybe"

22C: sarz Has joined this chat session

22F: teel hello

22C: sarz ok what's up

22F: teel non

22C: sarz you speak french

22F: teel no

22C: sarz non is french i think

they should have planes for dogs

22F: teel really

i know

what's a giant to a giant

22C: sarz is that a joke

22F: teel is what a joke

22C: sarz what's a giant to a giant

is there a punch line

22F: teel no i'm just asking

22C: sarz that's an interesting question

 

it has recently occurred to me that i am an underachiever

i spelled "occurred" wrong, only with one R. that was depressing

i have nothing to do for three hours

i can never go back to the san carlos library 

i owe them 34,000 dollars

haha

just kidding

that would be funny if it were true

funny in a sad way, maybe, i don't know

seems like they'd take you to jail if that were a real situation 

listening to french music makes me feel whimsical

and sort of cultured

but i just downloaded it on the internet

and i'm just sitting in my room

in america

that doesn't make me cultured, i don't think

i'm going on a double decker bus tour in new york city with my family

does that make me cultured

i think it will be fun, despite my apprehension at first

'that is sooooooooo touristy' is what i told my dad

'we are tourists' is what he said

sad realization, wish i was a native to every place

does anyone want to read this

i don't think so

i'm hungry 

i'd like a steak

Comptine D' un Autre

i finished two papers today that i have to turn in tomorrow, i'm scared to read them

actually reading a book now that i wrote a paper on, should have read it earlier, it's a little bit interesting surprisingly

i'm sick of talking about papers, this isn't even interesting, nobody wants to read this

my eyes hurt

i think i will be embarrassed by the grades i got this semester, it's unfortunate they are a direct reflection of your worth as a human being

roommate is getting me taco bell. she asked me how hungry i was and i said 'mildly interested in food'

i think this is true in most cases

she will surprise me with a menu item, i wonder what it will be

i love summer goals and personal development specifically

i bought a denim jacket today

i wrote "jean" at first then changed it to "denim", i think it sounds better

i'm going to new york on friday at 5 am

cool, great

taco bell was closed, shoot

my first year of college is over, is that definitive in any way

i thought taco bell was open twenty four hours

we're getting cheese pizza instead

i can never go back to the library, i owe them $34,000

haha, just kidding

feelings

brain dead

i don't feel brain dead actually

just sort of uninspired and overwhelmed

i feel plain

like plain yogurt

i told my dad i did acid via facebook chat

i am still his favorite child

THE WORLD IS TURNING HOPE IT DON'T TURN AWAY THAT'S A SONG

amy hempel

irrational

in a moment of panic i bought an essay online for $6.99

not only does the school probably monitor my internet activity

and i will be jailed for my indiscretions

but this essay sucks and i would never even use it

not even for reference

i could have bought a gourmet sandwich

today i ate

tofu scramble one piece of bacon little potato chunks

three cups of coffee

hummus and pesto bagel, sounds gross, it wasn't

iced coffee

chicken flavored top ramen

capn crunch cocoa puffs froot loops all in one bowl

frozen yogurt

coffee heath bar ice cream

some chips

MEANINGFUL POEM

i'm bored

it was hot today

i got a sunburn

i miss my friends, even though they haven't left yet

wish i had a hot tub

or a five course meal

which would be better

i didn't do anything today

i have a quiz on a book i haven't read, because i picked it up and thought "this is going to be hard," and put it down. i also thought "there is no point, what is a grade," then had a vision of myself still in college after twenty five years maybe just doodling or sitting around drinking root beer, i don't know how i feel about this. maybe sort of neutral.

conclusion: if i smoke pot before my quiz my esp senses will become activated and i will predict all of the answers and get an a

seriously, i actually thought this

is something wrong with me

i accidentally won something on ebay, whoops

i think my dad reads this

hi dad

am i just tricking you

into thinking i have something to say

BAD FISH

There is a very very very very very light rain, and someone will die today. The weather reminds a man of his old car that was taken through a statewide cruise with a woman who he is not sure if he could call a girlfriend at the time. She was thin and funny and not much else. She had a nice face when she laughed too loud and rarely expressed annoyance when he repeated himself. This is the reason he slept with her for exactly three months, and because it’s winter or because he is older or because he tucks his shirt into his pants some days, his memories are becoming increasingly repressed, and since the summer of the statewide cruise he has cut many things out of his diet, including alcohol, bread and some cheeses. He drinks four cups of coffee.

He will not go to work today, and says this out loud to an empty house. If he could wear casual sandals to work he would but the dress code is highly enforced so he chooses to stay home and watch television. He feels dilaptidated by the news, uplifted by sitcoms, severly depressed at commercials. He has never felt so much emotion.

The man’s hair was long in the summer of the statewide cruise.

He pretended to drink in excess and destroy personal proprety in order to uphold the commitments that went along with being so fucking metal. The woman wasn’t old, she was very young, even still, and once he saw her chop off most of her hair in a kitchen with dull scissors. He felt embarrassed watching her, and imagined an earthquake or other severe natural disaster where the repercussions would be heavy objects falling, the dull scissors gauging out the woman’s eyes, and therefore losing her beauty and sense of humor. He is gratified by the feeling of others losing essential attributes. It is true that you can chop off your hair or grow it very long when you are still very young. Society embraces medium length hair in adulthood. It is acceptable.

The man is sure of the fact that the woman would call him bland and indecisive if she asked.

After watching television for fifteen hours he wants to put something unlikely in his food processor, a pineapple or a shoe. He would like to see something pulverized into a fine dust and feels like he ate a million bad fish. His hands shake and the man wishes he paid more attention to consequences. In place of sleeping at night he would like to plan out all of the meals he will have for the rest of his life. All he can think of, though, is pizza.

T.I. ISN'T HOT ANYMORE

i have been published in transfer magazine (#97)

it hasn't come out yet

probably next week

i am happy

i feel compelled to mention this news

but also a little dumb

so, there's that

sunburned shoulders

can't lift anything or give anyone high fives

would like to disregard my commitments

am seriously considering a paper writing service for finals

"i've been thinking about dropping out"

this isn't true, should stop saying this

going to europe is going to cost a lot of money

more than i thought

i feel guilty spending money

but why do i have it if i don't spend it

oh, yeah, to save

fuck saving

fuck sandwiches

i hate the indoors

if my eyes are burning does that mean i'm tired

or i should stop looking at the computer

blogs are like the new 'thing'

i feel anxious about writing in one, also about putting stories somewhere public it's like i'm bragging. if you were a nurse or a  doctor or computer technician you wouldn't really have anything to brag about, except if you were a doctor i guess. also nurses can also brag sometimes but i'm talking about like community college nurses who i think do pretty basic procedural stuff that is boring and involves numbers and charts, i'd be no good at that. i'm a leo, so i like to brag i think that is why i want to be a writer, because i am a leo and i like people telling me that they enjoy what i do. i think i need affirmation all the time or constant attention, are those two the same things.

i know if i just say what i feel like it's whatever, because it's just what i'm saying and i shouldn't be embarrassed but it's like being in a cover band, if you suck it's not embarrassing, actually it's better if you suck because then you can be, like, a "funny" band and people will want to hang out with you. 

art is hard

the girls i live with are doing interpretive dance, actually it's only one of them and the other is underneath the table, she is just lying under there and i don't know what she's doing but the dancing one is pointing and she looks professional. "you look professional," i say and she keeps dancing, she looks very happy but says she is going to keel over and i think about all of that fucking pasta i made. 

christy's on fire tonight, she wants to score some e, or at least that's what she said, from underneath the table, maybe i should have not mentioned her name maybe that's "sketch". i think that was a joke probably. these girls are nuts, crazy, absolutely nuts but i do love every part of them.

i tried to draw portraits of all of my friends but they kept looking like cuba gooding, jr. and colin powell. i only have one friend i can draw superbly, maybe he is perfectly angular for the way i hold my pen, i don't know.

liz is wearing a bra on her head i told her to get my comb but she hasn't, my hair is getting knottier and knottier it will turn into dreadlocks if she does not hurry soon. she has gotten my comb and now will comb my hair because i made her; she will do anything i make her.

enough of this i don't think they'd want me talking anymore, i already mentioned drugs which is bad. i skipped class today and felt gratified but also like i was wasting too much time, not just today but in general, i am always wasting time. 

i made an embarrassing decision today

somebody is going to make me coffee and i think i will drink it and not sleep tonight i think that is how i avoid wasting time, by not sleeping, etc.

i wrote something today actually i wrote it a long time ago, then a little bit two weeks ago, then a little bit the other day and today i felt it was "done" but i never know what that feels like, completely, and totally.

i need something to listen to that is not 'cocaine eyes' by neil young because i have been playing this over and over again for no reason, maybe there is a reason but it is repressed. i will find it soon, i hope. 

on this topic did the circle jerks write those black flag songs or did black flag write those circle jerks songs

i think i will delete this tomorrow

tried to think of everybody on irving street as little specks; made me dizzy

you can find more of these pictures here if you really want to, i encourage it. they are pretty.

$4,000

i like to say things that will not apply in the future, not even tomorrow

you know what i mean

it is so foggy i can hardly believe my eyes

wouldn't you agree that stuff is more fun when there's a lot of it

south america would be ideal

do dog trainers have a natural ability to train dogs or are they trained to train dogs, maybe they have a manual or something; where can i find this information. i am going to eat a whole case of tums today, probably, and think about this, also "clusters" and "classes", i should devote some of my day to think about that. i am interested in maximizing my productivity. it seems as though eating more fruit would maximize my productivity as well as increase my happiness and overall well-being.

this week i will eat only tums and fruit

"this is funny, like a woody allen movie"

"no, it's nothing like that"