Sunday, October 31

what i did the last three halloweens

i was a college freshman and really into drinking vodka. went as a 'cokewhore'. many people did not think i was dressed as anything and expressed concern for my bloody nose. i remember thinking 'i am the only person dressed up'. jumped out of a window at a party because the cops came.
this was the year the bay bridge was down and BART was running all night. went to berkeley with five or so friends. partied at a co-op. seemed cool, had a great time. 'reckless abandon' comes to mind. pictures turned out good.
it's a sunday night, so this halloween involves doing homework and reading things on the internet. probably going to sleep early. the night before i dressed as 'the antichrist' or something, and felt a lot of regret the next morning. like, i am 'actually' going to hell now.

Wednesday, October 27

anxieties re:

"if you want to check your email you can check it in the dean's office - when i report you to the dean - for checking your email"
"wait are you serious"
"very serious"

i had an awful nightmare last night i have never felt so frightened before, the dialogue preceding this sentence is not from the nightmare
i don't think

Monday, October 18

fictional characters from movies or television i can relate to based on personality, appearance, and mannerisms

aldys - never been kissed
leelee sobieski plays a nerdy, cynical, and secretly cool teen. i myself sometimes feel nerdy, cynical, and secretly cool. the only thing is i would never be a mathelete. unfortunately in movies 'smart' people are 'all around smart'. she probably reads a lot of tolstoy and can also do ANOVA tables in her sleep, or something. i wonder if she takes any prescription drugs.

lelaina pierce - reality bites
the instances i feel most like lelaina pierce are when she can't define irony in a job interview or when she spends a week smoking pot and hours on the phone with a psychic. i feel like i would do this. i do not feel like lelaina pierce when she 'can't handle' that her best friend is in love with her and has to choose between two fairly good-looking men, a seemingly endless struggle that ends with her choosing the one who's more literate.

laney boggs - she's all that
like myself, laney boggs is a motherless child that cares for her 'wacky' 'out-there' 'atypical' family, consisting of her dad and brother. the similarities end here as i do not paint and i am not a 'secret hottie' working an embarrassing yet endearing part-time job. i can't escape my stereotype or 'rise above' as laney did in the end (spoiler alert).

annie hall - annie hall
annie hall is ethereal and feminine but does not dress that way, an attribute i can loosely apply to myself. she’s totally neurotic but not as much as woody allen, which makes them probably the best couple in film history. she likes to smoke pot before sex and is a little wild, in a bookish way. also she is a really bad driver.

annette hargrove - cruel intentions
reese witherspoon in cruel intentions doesn't have much in common with me except maybe our haircuts, but i admire her prudishness and reslience. she wears minimal makeup. falls in love by playing 'hard to get' which seems like a good way to approach things in the 21st century.

lisa simpson: obviously

Sunday, October 17

i ate two cups of cereal and i didn't even want it

Saturday, October 16

dakota fanning is doing drugs in an ihop parking lot

In a car she rented from Avis just for the day, just for fun. She wanted a convertible but they gave her an SUV which is fine with her anyways because she is small and the car is large and it just makes sense, like order has been restored in the universe and things make more sense, cosmic galaxies and shit like that. “Shit like that” she mumbles, glancing in her rearview mirror. Dakota Fanning receives about forty text messages a day and sends two on average, on a good day. She is popular and elusive and has great skin, great fucking skin that she takes for granted because baby, oh baby you’ll only be young once and you’ll only have a few more good movies until you don’t, until you’re dying and dead and when you’re dead you’re really dead.

it could happen to you

Wake up. There’s a birthday party. The spiritual and physical presence of those you love are there, though you don’t always believe in spirits. You’re eating foods out of order. Margie feeds you cake. Ted brings out the crab soup. The cake feels stale and dry in your mouth. Other people come; teenagers, your brother’s friends. Someone brought a big black poodle to the birthday party and he begins to whine and pace about, pawing at people’s pants, panting. You grow stern. You would feel much better if everyone left. You grow irresolute but firm, then menacing and feverish. Teenage girls crowd your backyard, chain smoking cigarettes. They throw butts into the dirt. You inform them that you live in a non-smoking household. Teenage girls give you sass. You grab one girl by the hair. She’s black and you immediately consider that someone could interpret this as an act of racist violence. She grabs your ponytail and you struggle with each other’s hair while everybody watches. Go to bed. Hear people talking. Someone is looking for you and you hear him say that you really hurt that girl. Her dad is waiting for you outside your bedroom and hands you a hammer. She needed many more stitches than they thought, he said. Go upstairs. People are sitting around and haven’t gone to bed yet. Looking at the clock, you figure it’s 6 am. You pretend to hit someone in the head with the hammer but stop short, realizing it is in poor taste and adding feebly, “…just kidding.” A woman comes out of the kitchen wearing purple scrunchies in her hair. A man is holding her waist and dips her backwards. She puts her arm out for flair. She speaks with a lisp and grins. She has a face deep with wrinkles. You wonder who invited her.